The Other Self
by Lord of Judgement
Summary: Wingul desperately tries to retain himself during the booster experimentation. Gaius/Wingul. Dark.


**Summary:** Lin desperately tries to retain himself during the booster experimentation.

**Pairings**: Gaius/Wingul.

**Warning**: light yaoi, mental derangement, dark.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Tales of Xillia_ world, story or characters.

**Author's Note: **A sequel to GaiWin version of _**'Trials...'**_ Includes some spoilers from future chapters, but nothing significant. As well as allusions to previous chapters, but again can be read as a standalone.

I love Wingul's (Lin Londau) character. Duh!

Special dedication to **ay-16r**. :)

* * *

**List of names I keep from the original Japanese game because their localized version did not click with me at all:**

_Kanbalar – _Khan Baliq

_Auj Oule – _Ajur

_Muzet_ – Musee

_Long Dau_- Londau

_Fezebel_ - Fayzabad

_Erston_ - Arst

* * *

_Duimuti yaio duedin! (Londese) - _Don't you dare!

_Tuedinunru (Londese) - _Marvel.

_Baaya aenun yaio tiekunmu nundiyatiaumugu fudiitsu tun?! (Londese) -_ Why have you taken everything from me?

* * *

**THE OTHER SELF**

There was a hill in his dreams. There always had to be a hill or a tree or a castle, some blind and silent witness to the events of unmatched importance, but it could neither remember nor speak of what it saw to the curious onlookers. And they could tell so much if only one knew how to speak their language – the language of wind, of clouds and rain, the language of swaying grass and falling sand.

In rare moments of absolute clarity, Lin understood the absurdity of romanticizing an image of an unobtrusive hill bathing in the light of a setting sun (_...and the sky is ablaze, as though the day hurries to burn itself out with some inexplicable selfless desperation_), but in his feverish dreams an almost sacred meaning was given to that barren hill he saw through the narrow chink in the canopy which covered the entrance to his marquee. No words, no exclamations could express the overwhelming fascination he felt when his glance furtively fell on that mound of stones and dirt – fascination with its ordinariness and at the same time its singularity.

Lin woke up in pain, shivering, and wiped blood off his temple. A feeling of giddiness overcame him at the sight of carmine trickles spread on his palm when he, sleeping, with the same hand touched his wound. A wound? He perceived it as a hole in his head. On his pillow were visible dark stains where blood and saliva dripped onto the immaculately white laboratory pillowcase with a number imprinted in black ink in its left corner.

He was so pitiful and worthless a creature!

When the giant defeated him with such ease, Lin could not bear his weakness for a moment longer. Gaius said nothing and he needn't say a word, for lucidly in his violet eyes Lin saw contempt and that condescending glance haunted him ever since. Once, on the pinnacle of his suffering, he cried from helpless anger and in that desperate state he justified to himself the reason to volunteer as a test subject in a dangerous experiment with a goal to obtain more power. He did it for Gaius, Lin thought, but lying on the bloodstained sheets, writhing in pain and tormented by thoughts, he could but feel that his desire to retain the last crumbs of his worth and pride was purely egoistical. No, he certainly thought of Gaius and Ajur, but for once he wanted it to be his own ambition.

If Gaius ever faltered walking the path he had chosen for himself, it was Lin's duty to strike him down.

Therefore when he was warned about possible risks, Lin without a moment's hesitation, almost joyously declared that he wanted to implant the booster into his head. In doing so, he dreamed to become like Gaius, a man whom he idolized and whom he was aggrieved at for the first few months of their acquaintance, which nearly led to his self-destruction as most confusing, contradictory emotions would in his circumstances. Rationally he had made a choice to forswear his ambitions, but it took time before the vivid ghost of his past had faded utterly into nothingness and he ceased his hopeless struggle with the victor and, partly, with himself. His last attempt to rebel against the status quo was childish and petty and arguably ignoble; once Gaius, feeling terribly fatigued after he had to deliver at least three speeches to the peasant representatives, asked him (and he could order, but instead asked politely!) to prepare tea and Lin did everything in his power to make it strong, bitter as gall and undrinkable, watching as his lord drank it, staring into his eyes without wincing or looking away even once. Living with the man of such praiseworthy virtues - and Gaius managed to prove himself more praiseworthy in Lin's eyes with every passing day – he began feeling after each failure a certain kind of poignant shame for the mere fact of his wretched existence.

With effort Lin drew himself to full height only to stoop down and, convulsively clutching at the wooden headboard of his bed, vomit a colorless and bitter liquid. As his body quivered and writhed, his mind was surprisingly clear, he didn't feel fright – worry, perhaps, a bit, but not fright – or even shame. It was his absolution at last.

There was an air of untold misery in his room; barely five steps across, it nevertheless lacked furniture, save for a rickety table, a chair with Rashugal guild emblem etched on its back, and a rusty iron bed with a spring mattress, and dirty yellow wallpaper covered its walls, here and there peeling away and barring roughly hewed boards on which dampness had left its mark in obscure patterns of black and greenish mold. When Lin's gaze, weary of bright light, in search of brief respite fell onto those walls, inexplicable hatred seized him and he glowered at the dirty-yellow stripes, fighting an overwhelming urge to rip them off with his fingers.

"How are you feeling today, Lin?" Kindly asked one of the doctors (_...the name! he cannot remember his name!_) upon entering. It was their usual routine to come to see him every few hours, explaining the necessity of their intrusion by worry for his health, but Lin also knew that they were curious to observe his behavior with that new and untested device lodged deep in his brain.

"I am feeling much better," he said cheerfully, clenching both fists behind his back so as to not flinch from pain and reveal his deceit.

"You don't look so well..."

"Nonsense! I had a terrible night, I did turn and wind so, but bleeding and headaches were expected. You said so yourself. I am feeling refreshed and ready to begin my training..."

"It has only been five days... I doubt you are fit for a strenuous activity."

"I said I wish to begin at once!" He insisted, haughtily and daringly glaring at the doctor, but in truth it took all his will to stand upright and the doctor had already gotten accustomed to his erratic behavior and unreasonable demands, deigning him with but a compassionate smile. "I am the king's adviser!" He repeated for the umpteenth time. "I can say but one word – one word! - and you will be fired and this whole place will be turned upside down! I swear upon my name and don't dare doubt my oath! I am the last descendant of the great Londau patriarchs and my great-grandfather fought in the Second Unification war and my father... my father..." He faltered, staggering, and the doctor hurried to seat him onto the bed.

The booster was affecting him somehow.

"You are awfully pale, master Lin, would you like a glass of water? I will fetch it at once. Or perhaps you wish to lie down... I will call Isla, she can help ease your pain..."

"Give me a mirror," he then uttered in a changed voice.

The doctor hesitated a bit and with reluctance outstretched a hand in which he held a small shiny object. Lin felt faint and with a palpitating heart peered at his reflection, riveting his gaze onto a bloodied bald spot in his otherwise luxurious black hair which always so neatly fell onto his shoulders. It was a repulsive sight, a hole in his head patched up slovenly, and he was afraid to move abruptly so as not to damage the growing scab.

He was awfully pale, too, his sharp features resembling those of a bird.

"Tell me, doctor," he said suddenly, "a sincere sacrifice is silent, isn't it? If you suffer and keep your feelings to yourself, appearing to others unconcerned, if you resist the temptation to unburden your mind to anyone, then and only then can such suffering be selfless and genuine. If you speak of your burdens to the person in whose name you bear them, then your sacrifice becomes nothing but a calculated strategic move. Then it seems you demand from that person a particular response, even if it's simple human understanding or pity, then you expect appreciation or a reward of knowing they, too, felt guilty and those impulses are purely egoistical... Once I explained to him, guided by anger and by those impulses, how much I have sacrificed that day... I told a story of my upbringing, how I believed what others believed I should become, how I saw myself as reflection of their words, how I never questioned it, for who in their right mind would question a destiny such as mine... a king who was given everything to lead Ajur into a new and bright future... And then he came, clever, charismatic and passionate, and he was not given anything, rather fate bereft him of all he deemed valuable, but he defeated me... He was drunk that night and particularly cruel in his words and attitude and I, like an egregious fool, was deceived by that disguise. And so I confessed. Almost at once I understood that he expressed remorse in the only possible way he could feel and express it, but it was too late... We understand each other quite well, I relish such a thought..." Lin finished his tirade abruptly, compressing his lips, as though having become aware that he had revealed too much, and coldly glared at the man in a white suit. "I am thirsty, I would like a glass of cold juice..."

"I will be happy to oblige, master Lin," replied the doctor with an enigmatic smile. "But what you have said... I won't ask you who he is, but I will say that your words were very kind and noble..."

"Kind and noble..." He gave a contemptuous wrench of his shoulder. "You understand nothing and I said too much... I haven't been feeling myself lately..."

The doctor shook his head, "You have to be honest with us as we record the changes. Your well-being depends on your veracity, for we won't be able to make correct decisions if we don't know you are hurting."

Truth was banal and vulgar compared to the high-flown words of selfless sacrifice and self-perfection. It pained him to be away from Khan Baliq, excluded from the court and from Gaius's company.

Perhaps he became addicted to pain.

***o***

Nils visited him at the end of the second week. His servant and friend awaited him by the entrance door, bound with iron, which opened with a loud creak, reminding Lin of a prison door, and on breathing fresh air, permeated with besotting smell of rain, he once again felt giddy.

"It is unwholesome for your health to walk around, I could have talked to you inside," remarked Nils with concern.

'_Not in that room with dirty-yellow wallpaper_,' thought Lin, seating himself on the ground and turning his face towards the sun, with a serene smile enjoying its warm gilded touches. Somewhere behind the desolate landscape of Labari Hollow, stretched from one side of the wide canyon to the other a city of unmatched beauty, a blessed ever-smiling sister to grim and snowbound Khan Baliq, where into the walls were immured colossal statutes of heroes to watch over the streets, paved with yellow stones, from the distant celebrated past. And the sun would warm up the stones and glisten on the foamy waves... Xian Du was the jewel of the south.

"Now you sound like my doctors... I can only complain a bit about lean food and lack of fresh air. How have _you_ fared, my friend?"

"Don't avoid my questions, I know you well enough to see right through your disguise," there was sadness in his kind blue eyes. Lin felt a prick of guilt at first for not being overjoyed with his presence, but now he felt burdened by his unnecessary sentiments. "You look awfully pale and thin, as if they are torturing you... Good heavens, look at yourself, you are miserable! Why have you done it? Why do you need all this power?.. I told you eight years ago when you contemplated surrendering in Mon Highlands that no good would become of it."

Mon Highlands. The name meant nothing to Lin, an echo in the empty cavern of his memory.

"Leave the past alone, Nils, what was done cannot be undone," he pursed his bloodless lips. "What is the news from Khan Baliq? I am certain something happened in my absence... No good would become of it? How can you still stubbornly cling to that judgment?"

Nils averted his face and passed a hand over his disheveled blond hair, "I am not going to tell you anything, you cannot worry too much. Don't even ask." His friend stoically ignored his angry glare. "Do you at least remember those carefree years when we played hide-and-seek in the fields, when we conquered kingdoms with figures made of wood, when we pretended to fight and die for fun? Do you remember how excited you were on the eve of that ill-fated day when you decided to give up? You were brimming with enthusiasm to fight him and end that war. What happened to my friend whom I knew then? My heart aches when I as much as glance at you... You had a choice, Lin. It is not too late..."

"Choice? A foolish notion. I had one path before me, the rest was ruin. Leave it alone, I have no strength to argue with you, to prove to you that there is a difference! If one surrenders his freedom as a curse and if one surrenders his freedom as if it is his most precious possession... I am not sure he understood me either..."

"I only want what is best for you," Nils raised his voice a tad.

"Do you know how many disasters began with someone speaking those exact words?"

"And yet you follow a man who once decided what was the best for Ajur and see no wrong in it. Let me finish! If you so strongly believe in your own logic and the value of your sacrifice, know that Ortega Kitarl, the giant who defeated you, had joined his forces with Gaius. He frequently appears in court... you cannot see the king behind his back and he is strong. If someone was to make an attempt on Gaius's life, they would have to get through Ortega first and that man would not budge from an arrow. The war with Merad and clan Shin is over, he won't require your clever strategies... Have you ever considered that he no longer needs you? You may rot in this dungeon for all he cares..."

"How?.. You know not what you speak of! And if it were true, I..." All of a sudden sharp pain shot through his body and Lin clutched his head. A loud groan was expelled from his lips as he fell awkwardly forward, leaning on one arm and outstretching the other blindly to stop Nils from aiding him. "I... _Duimuti yaio duedin!_" He screamed when a thin blue lightning twined around his body and prostrated on the ground in the lifeless brown dust.

Nils hastily knelt in front of his immobile body. "What is happening to your hair? I am sorry... I am so sorry, I didn't mean it..." He kept whispering, mortified, and Lin heard his friend's muffled voice as though from a deep well. "I wanted you to think about yourself, but it isn't true what I said... Can you hear me? Please, answer me... Lin..."

"It isn't me, it's the booster." At last, he managed to raise himself on the elbow and wheezed, "I don't quite understand..."

"Don't scare me like that... You know I lied, don't you? Of course, the king needs you, as much as I loathe to admit, but only because it causes you so much pain... He assigned some of your administrative duties to me in your absence and then he let me see you when we received no news. He was also concerned with your well-being."

Lin hung his head. "You see how I am doing... I am struggling every day. They say these are temporary side-effects and they'll think of something... to ease this loathsome pain. Yesterday they brought a girl in, a mere child. I don't want her to be tormented like me... I am so glad you came... But listen to me very carefully," he insisted in a peremptory tone, "you must tell him I am fine. Promise me..."

"I promise." Nils helped him rise and shoved a bag of food into his hands. "I brought something you like, suspecting they will not feed you delicacies here."

"Also promise you'll tell me everything I need to know about the affairs of the court."

Nils quickly and gladly nodded his head, yet Lin felt defeated. Having availed himself of the fortunate coincidence, he shamelessly manipulated his naïve friend into believing he was to blame for something which was not his fault in the slightest and, seeing him so dejected, Nils would tell him what he needed to know.

For once, in that game of deceit he wanted to lose.

***o***

There was a hill in his dreams. Why was it a hill? Why not nothingness, whiteness of an empty canvas, whereat the listener would imagine a snowbound village or a discolored city or a flock of fleecy clouds gathered by the shepherd-wind; or he would simply stand, his senses overwhelmed, gazing in endless wonder at the maddening kaleidoscope of every landscape, seen or imagined, without trying to impose his will on the canvas?

In Lin's mind, on the contrary, something much more frightening occurred. Ever since Nils's visit, he took note of it, but perhaps it happened earlier. There was a hill at first and he knew where he had seen that hill, but the colors blurred, rain disappeared, he ceased to hear sounds, as though a voracious foreign presence was hellbent on erasing the image, leaving but mocking and maddening white. He woke up on the following morning, covered in cold sweat, and awaited the familiar pain to return, as one would wait for a welcome guest, but instead a hollow was growing inside him where he was disappearing.

Lin was forgetting.

He asked the same doctor to bring him a large oval mirror in a simple frame and hung it on the wall, peering into his own reflection without blinking until tears welled up in his greenish catlike eyes. Then Lin concentrated, as he was told, on the booster inside his head, feeling the surge of power, feeling the icy needles of pain pierce his temples, and in numbness saw his hair rise and change color, from black to snowy white. Breathing heavily, he leaned against the wall and let go of the handle of his katana which he picked up without remembering to have done so. His power was unstable and unreliable.

He grew tired too fast and seated himself on the floor with a piece of chalk in his hand. He drew a strategy board on the planks and figures on the opposite sides of it, equal in numbers, and made a first move. He did not know who would win, but he wanted the game to be perfect. Black, white, erasing figures one by one...

He was distracted only once when he fancied he felt someone's presence. A girl stood in the doorway, young, no more than six or seven winters old, her stare blank and features sorrowful, in her hands clutching a stuffed toy, and the silent scene lasted until she, like a shadow, once again vanished in darkness which begot her.

***o***

Hours, days, weeks blended together. Sometimes Lin woke up, seeing the girl's face, sometimes it was his own reflection in the mirror, sometimes a tall winged shadow without a face whose contours quivered on the wall covered in dirty-yellow peeling wallpaper. He asked the girl's name and received a shy, quiet answer. Elize. Like a name from fairy tales his mother used to read him when he was young.

At nights he dreamed of a worm which lodged itself in his brain, slowly devouring him from the inside.

On one of those days the doctor announced that the king had arrived and Lin at first thought he misheard the man, then he felt a surge of joy and blithe exultation which, however, soon gave place to deep despair. Why would Gaius come? Lin's memories were in disarray, he barely learned how to master his new ability and then, like a lighting bolt in a clear sky, the news astounded him. Gaius was in Xian Du.

He had a few hours to spare which he used wisely to prepare for the meeting. Lin erased the strategy game he played with himself on the floor, hid the mirror, straightened his bed and resumed his relentless training. That was how Gaius found him, in the middle of his room practicing to activate his booster and retain control of this new power while performing an arte with his sword. Needless to say, he was struggling; needless to say, he would not accept failure.

"Heika, your visit is sudden, but your presence inspires me with joy," he said, taking a deep breath to calm down. Gaius stood on the threshold, dressed from head to toe in black and red, gazing at him expectantly, and Lin was perplexed by it, guessing frantically its meaning.

"Nils told me you were unwell, but affairs kept me in Khan Baliq until recently. Then my presence was required in Xian Du to negotiate the new rules for the coliseum. Last time I fought here I was twelve and these grandiose statues created an ineffaceable impression in my mind.."

Nils, the kind naive fool, did not keep his word. Lin bit his lip in vexation. "I... no, I am quite all right. I will return to Khan Baliq as soon as I can. Nils said you could not come to an agreement about the standing army, its numbers, where to station it. I had a few thoughts..."

"I see." Gaius smirked, but Lin saw bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep and his heart was wrung with longing (_...Nils, why have Spirits given you a long tongue and a kind heart?_) although he was overjoyed with the king's coming and with his unchanged attitude towards his decision. At their parting, Gaius let him know in very few words that if he believed it necessary to get a booster, then he had his silent blessing. "Nils misconstrued the real reason behind the disagreement. The question which concerns them the most is who will have command over it, on whose authority they are to engage in battle. Naturally, they are reluctant to leave all that power in my hands. But you know that after the siege of Khan Baliq, soldiers deem me practically invincible and would follow me into fire and water, if I tell them so." Then he folded his arms and, standing in that imperious pose, added. "Show me what your booster or however you call it can do."

Lin feared that request, but he wasn't surprised to hear it. He took a step backwards, clenching both fists to shut down all distracting images and sounds until his concentration was absolute (_...he is standing in his marquee, looking at the hill, and behind it he sees black contours of mountains against the blazing skies. A gust of wind bursts inside, dishevels his hair, and he feels its chill and the odd sense of fascination and then all turns white..._), but the device refused to obey him. He fell on one knee and when Gaius reached out to him, calling his name, he with an inhuman effort leapt to his feet. In a heartbeat, his shattered memories were pushed aside by an imposing presence, his hair turned white, his eyes flashed fire, and in a fit of ungovernable rage, he lunged forward, swinging his sword at Gauis.

As taken aback as the king was, he caught the blade of Lin's katana between his palms, and with a step to the side gave it a twirl which would have sent the smaller youth to the floor, but he managed to free his sword and swing it again, wilder, faster.

"Lin, calm down."

The _other_ Lin did not remember the common language and had only rage with power to match it. In his unhinged mind Gaius appeared a threat to everything he knew and cherished. The king's words fell on deaf ears and, his face distorted in a fit of laughter, Lin watched as his blade slipped between Gaius's bloody palms and cut his shoulder.

(_...When you were born, there was great celebration in the castle and many regarded you as their little wonder. Marvel. Tuedinunru is a much less common word..._)

"_Baaya aenun yaio tiekunmu nundiyatiaumugu fudiitsu tun?!_"

He did not see the blow which staggered him, did not feel the sharp crippling pain until his body hit the floor. When he recovered himself, he was alone and terrified out of his mind. An ugly blood stain spread on the yellow wallpaper and his lips burnt and his chest felt numb. Gaius was nowhere to be seen.

What frightening power forced him to raise his hand against his king?

Lin rudely pushed the doctor, who tried to appeal to his reason, to the side and ran out into the street. '_Oh, what have I done?_' A painful thought flashed in his mind as he in quick, measured strides headed downhill in the direction of where he vaguely remembered the road to Xian Du began. Labari Hollow was a large crater, formed by unknown forces in solid stone, the opposite sides of which were connected by wooden bridges thrown over the deep and dark precipice, darker so when night like a bird of prey fell and stretched its velvety wings above the land, where blinked, bright and avaricious, eyes of enigmatic beasts. There was a stripe of faint light on the horizon, but the rest of the firmament had drowned in the indigo ink. The bridges under his feet swayed violently in strong gusts of wind and he had to clutch at the handrail to support himself.

It was of utmost importance for Lin to overtake Gaius for their short conversation ended in grave misunderstanding and he would rather repudiate his goal altogether than let the king leave, believing his closest adviser wanted to betray him. There was another desire subtly guiding him at that moment, but Lin was too distraught to think much of it.

The moment he spotted Gaius's tall silhouette at the bottom of the crater, he fell on one knee and cried out his name. Something was amiss with the king, but in darkness Lin could not make out the details and he wasn't in the right mind to draw a coherent conclusion.

"Please, forgive me, it wasn't I who raised my sword against you. The booster affects me sometimes," he mumbled hastily, licking dry wounded lips. "I don't understand why... but I will, I swear. Forgive me..." _Heika?.. Gaius?.. Arst? _The answer to his entreaty was silence. "If you can no longer trust me, I understand... and I will do anything to regain your trust. Do you want me to rip this accursed booster out of my brain? I will! Only say a word!" To demonstrate his obedience, Lin raised his hand and pressed his fingers to the wound in his head, to the thick crust, under which with the help of Isla's healing artes, skin and bone had grown back, terrified by the mere thought he would have to rip it out and yet determined to do so.

"Lin, can you not see? I am trapped," rang the calm reply. And, indeed, Gaius stood in an odd pose near the gray wall overgrown with moss, his arms and legs entwined. A pair of walking trees had trapped him there and another pair was slowly sneaking up to him, creaking their thick old branches. "You have to use your booster..."

"I can't! You saw what happens if I do! I can't control it," Lin clenched his teeth together and rushed towards the pair of trees which intended to surround them. His sword rebounded from the firm bark, leaving but a scratch, and a branch, quick and lean as a snake, twined round his ankle. Lin fell, rolled over his shoulder, recovered his feet stubbornly and thrust his sword into the trunk with as much strength as he could muster up. His element was wind and lightning struck the monster, igniting it as it would in a terrible thunderstorm an unremarkable tree. Breathing unevenly, he froze by the creature, which was now utterly engulfed in flames, and in their lurid reflections he saw Gaius and at least another three or four monsters, which had cornered him, helpless and wounded, near that tall wall. "I can't..." He whispered quietly. "I can't..."

"Do it! Don't be afraid!"

Lin shook his head and got a better grip on his katana. A thick branch lashed him and he fell flat onto the ground; rose again, with that same stubbornness, swung his sword, cutting off the importunate branch, but it was a hopeless struggle on his part. "I am sorry, Gaius..." He dodged the monster's attempt to crush him with its weight and jumped onto its top. "I am so sorry..."

"Don't hesitate!"

Thrusting his katana into the crone of the tree, Lin tried to use another wind arte, but he lacked power. And then, painlessly, naturally, like second breath, the blue lightning came, twined around his body, and when he lunged forward with speed and grace and ease, his hair turned snowy white...

Lin didn't recall the rest of the battle, passing out on the ground after his sword had cut through the fetters on Gaius's legs.

...It was not a pleasant awakening, but after Lin shook off last remnants of fatigue, for the first time in who knew how many days he felt like himself; he felt calm and capable of rational thought and confident. It was past midnight and in the quivering candlelight, phantasmagorical shadows danced on the wall, among which he could have sworn he recognized his winged guest. Gaius sat near his bed, silent, stern, his lips compressed (_...and he knows he is himself because that intent stare annoys him_), but when the king saw that Lin stirred, his face lit up with joy.

"You managed well," he said approvingly and with unusual excitement. "I wasn't wrong to have tested you so harshly."

"Tested me?" Mumbled Lin. "You mean... the trees, the trap... it wasn't real?"

"Of course, it wasn't real... I wouldn't risk my life and prosperity of Ajur so easily, but for you it was real because you believed it. And I knew you would believe it just as I knew I could place my faith in your abilities."

"Why?" He demanded.

Gaius adjusted a bandage on his shoulder and looked at him strangely, as if he understood everything, his pain, his determination to overcome his pain and why he would push himself to see his efforts come to fruition.

"It's about time I expressed that I trust you of all people like I trust no one else. My father involuntarily taught me one important lesson. Although I respect him and his memory, he could not give me sufficient guidance for the future. He always lived in the past, in the days when 'the Outway decided nothing and tradition had to be obeyed to the last letter,' as he would say. Now, looking back, I believe in his circumstances he made the right choice and resent him less therefore, but circumstances change. You, on the other hand, were young and your mind was not yet tainted by the belief that back in your days it was this and that and it had to be perpetuated until the end of times. Perhaps you won't even understand how lucky you were... How could I not trust you?"

Lin sat up on the bed and found himself so close to Gaius that he could count patterns on the king's gilded collar. There never was the _other_ Lin; he was a prisoner in his own mind, inventing his second half, but just as any illusion or fear, it could be dispelled and curbed and conquered. Gaius nodded.

"When I was thirteen, I jumped into the river to triumph over my fear of water. It may not leave you quickly, but in due time it will."

Lin averted his face, glancing at the dirty-yellow stripes and suddenly he knew why the wallpaper was peeling away; suffering from excruciating pain, he clawed at the wall in an unbridled desire to free himself from the prison. Then his gaze fell onto the white flower on the table, frail and lonely, and he twirled it in his fingers, trying to understand why he felt comfortable sitting so closely to the king.

"Who gave it to me?"

"Ah, some girl... she came while you were asleep, but she did not want to linger. A strange child..."

He did not dare ask Gaius if they were lovers although it was a sensible question – he would rather regain his hazy memories – but the king unambiguously slipped his hand into his hair and slid his thumb along the curve of his neck. His persistence annoyed Lin, but the touch was pleasant and stirring and he wanted it.

"Arst..." He whispered.

"Don't call me by that name, even if you speak it quietly. You know why I prefer it to remain unknown for the time being..."

"I was beginning to forget. Now I know what... How could I?"

"Is the booster to blame for your forgetfulness?"

"Uh-huh," mumbled Lin, stealing a glance at Gaius's face, and in doing so he brushed his lips against the king's. Light tunic with a fur collar slid off his shoulder and he did not straighten it, marveling at how gentle the touch of Gaius's hands – hands which killed and signed agreements which decided fates of whole nations – could be. And when their lips joined, he kissed Gaius with all the passion he had left in him, intoxicated with the smell of blood from both his wounds and the king's, which drove him into a state of slight frenzy. It had a taste of salt and rusty iron and Gaius's teeth sank into his flesh, teasing him and inflicting on him a sweet torture, in which he was forgetting himself and at the same time...

***o***

(…_he is the hill and the day and the self-denying fool_).

***o***

There was a hill in his dreams, a hill where the road he now walked upon began – a silent, unobtrusive hill, like any other under the never-ending skies.


End file.
